Why I Hate Lana Lang
Posted by: Hot Toddy

First of all, I'm Todd. Nice to meet ya. ^_^

Well, here we are, and now that the title of my column has caught your eye I'm sure you're eagerly awaiting the details which I'm about to provide. The problem is, I'm having a bit of a hard time figuring out what to tell you. Not because I don't have anything to say, as anyone who knows me will promptly laugh themselves into a seizure if you tell them something like "boy, that Todd guy really keeps his opinions to himself." In this case, what's wrong is that I've got too MUCH to say, and it's hard to pick the best place to start. Ah, well. Let's just jump on in.

Pretty. Lana's pretty. Unfortunately, at this point she doesn't seem to be all that deep. Her eyes are like pools, sure, but if you were to dive into them I'm afraid you might find out that they're kiddie pools. Now, I'm not one to hate people just for being beautiful, because I'm too sexy for your party. But that prettiness seems to be just about the only thing she's got going for her, and I'mjust not a very big fan of one-dimensional people. I find her personality to be about as appealing as a week-old trout that got left in a cooler in the back of Whitney's truck and eventually was discovered when Whitney crashed said truck into something, flipping the cooler out into the road. She's indecisive and insipid and self-absorbed and a bit of a suck-up. She's got that chameleon thing happening wherein she resembles whoever else is in the room at the time, probably just so that everybody will love Her Fairy Princessness. We hear that she's a smart gal, but I don't know that we've really SEEN a whole lot of that. This is a girl who does things like ignoring the fact that a kidnapper is right behind her, getting back into a vehicle when a tornado is coming after her, standing around like a clueless goofball when gas mains are exploding, and asking Lex to re-open the Talon sheerly because it has sentimental value to her. These are not smart choices.

Oh, and she also once lost an entire old person. Good job, honey.

(And about that Talon, which some folks will use in Lana's defense when her many shortcomings are pointed out to them. First of all, she didn't know enough to approach Lex from a business point of view the first time around and had to be told that by Clark, which was certainly not the first time someone has had to point out an obvious thing to her; when she did approach it from that angle it was pretty clear that she wasn't really up on the whole business thing as far as knowledge goes; all of a sudden I'm supposed to believe that she can run a coffee shop? Yes, Lex is the owner, and yes, Nell is the purported manager - but have we ever seen either of them doing any work on the Talon's behalf? Didn't think so. So we have a freshman in charge of a business. Never mind the legal problems with that scenario, because there's an even simpler reason to find it preposterous. She's not only a freshman, but a freshman who has held exactly 1 (one) job. Luckily, it was in a coffee shop. Not so luckily, she did it so hideously badly that she was hired and fired within the space of a single episode. I imagine I don't have to point out how great that all looks on a resume when you're applying for a management position. How can I find the Talon to be any more than an plot device and thus give Lana "credit for the things she does there?" Answer: I can't. Reality 7, Lana 0.)

So. Anyway. I just had to say that. Where was I? Oh, right, she's not the brightest star in the sky. But the hate doesn't stop there. How about that whole Bizarre Love Quadrangle thing? Was there a single episode in season one where Lana acted like she really knew how she felt about Clark and Whitney? Was there a single time that she honestly tried to discourage Clark from chasing her around with his tongue hanging out, even though she had a boyfriend? One could almost suspect that she's using Clark to make herself feel good. In "Nicodemus," when the flower splooged on her, who did she go get freaky with when Whitney was being all boring and worrying about all the things that life kept dumping on him? Clark. Remember, that flower didn't change people, it just brought out the inner essence of people in a dark and stormy way. So either her desire to use Clark is pretty strong, or her emotion for Clark is - and THEN she's evil for the way she's led Whitney on for an entire season. Oh, and she's a slut. Let's also not forget about that Chloe/Lana exchange in "Rogue" where Lana said she didn't want to get in Chloe's way as far as Clark was concerned. But then look what happened when Clark finally pulled his head out and gave Chloe a shot. Backstab much, Lana? I like Chloe. A lot. Stop screwing up her chances.

Want more? OK, here's more. Raise your hand if you feel that Lana's sudden interest in doing anything more than leading Clark on near the end of the season very well might have been prompted by jealousy and the fact that she'll miss having Clark constantly mooning over her rather than by any actual romantic feelings she might have for him. I'm thinking maybe that's nothing more a step up from "user" to "addict." Raise your other hand if you think it's incredibly tacky to be giving another guy goo-goo eyes at your boyfriend's father's funeral. What, am I supposed to write that off as "bad timing?" Raise another hand if you think Lana was good and ready to cheat all over Whitney in "Shimmer" - it's a good thing Clark has morals, because the ones belonging to a certain female were quite obviously out to lunch that week - and you think that Clark might do well to remember that little character flaw of hers lest he end up on the other side of the equation. (And do we want this show to be telling our children that cheaters actually DO win?!? Oh, the humanity!) If you don't
have three hands then feel free to raise something else, but do please remember that this is a family website.

While I'm on a roll here, let me throw the dead parent weirdness onto the table. She sees her parents killed by a meteor. Yes, that sucks. No, it doesn't come close to explaining why she then chooses to wear a piece of that meteor around her neck like a badge for the next twelve years. I mean, I love my folks very much, but if they get run over by a car I'm not going to rush out and make a necklace out of the hood ornament. That's some strange stuff, you know? As is going to the graveyard for the aforementioned twelve years and conducting conversations with her parents' ghosts. Both sides of the conversation. In the middle of the night. Rod Serling would have a field day with this girl.

I could go on and on and on, I really could, but I sense virtual eyes glazing over out there in KSiteville so maybe I'd better call it quits. I'll have to save my opinions on Kristin Kreuk's performance in the role of Lana (and the problems that said performance cause for me as far as things like understanding and empathizing with and relating to her character go) for some other time. Assuming, that is, that I haven't already said more than enough to get strung up by a roving posse of Lana admirers.

<looks nervously out window>

If you also suffer from Lana-related irritation, then you might be interested in reading about or even joining a little anti-Lana group I've whipped up. We're a loose gathering of people who don't like the girl (for whatever reason), and our website can be found here. Swing on by
and check us out. Tell us the KSite sent you and receive a free set of Ginsu knives and a year's supply of Cookie Crisp (milk not included).

That's all for now. We hope that you've enjoyed this evening's festivities and ask that you please remember to tip your servers on your way out. Good night and drive safely.

Note: The views of "Hot Toddy" don't necessarily represent the thoughts and feelings of the people behind KryptonSite. Therefore, send any hate mail to hottoddy@backstreet-boys.com. And for those of you who *do* like Lana, if you think you can accept Todd's challenge and tell us why Lana and Kristin Kreuk (and her body double) are the bee's knees, e-mail us here at KryptonSite!